i actually cried in my therapy appointment today which was... upsetting. i don't like to cry in front of people. i don't think i've ever even cried in front of my partner?? but it just... happened. 'cause we were talking about bigger existential questions bc my current situation is sort of on hold until we're done w/our vacation
n the general question was "are you happy?" to which i had to say yes-- but no, not really, if you look closely instead of looking at a big picture
but i just. broke down over struggling w/what i think is an undiagnosed attention disorder. executive dysfunction, memory problems, attention span issues... its so much but i feel so stupid 'cause i just can't function like a "normal" person should
and i guess i'm still just... mad. or upset. that these problems were noticed in me as a child but nothing was done about it. its too late now to do anything about it i'm grown and on my own and now i have to figure it out myself
but i'm still just...
i wish i'd been helped
was chattin w/my mom over the weekend / today bc y'know, camping n all that
she's always been p supportive but ever since i came out and one of my siblings started using neutral pronouns she's been more invested in like, knowing whats up w/the queer community and specifically the trans community etc. she'll sometimes ask my opinion about things bc she wants to learn more which is nice
she let loose that i'd been dysphoric since i was 8?? i don't really remember a lot abt my childhood bc my memory is Shitty but that was the first i'd heard of it - god. esp since my dysphoria didn't Really kick in for me 'til i hit puberty, as far as i knew.
but another thing she was talkin about was my lil brother - he's in school (first one of us to go to an actual School at his age) and has really bad social anxiety but his teacher is helping him with it
and the way she describes it p much fits my life to a T... and she can see that now
i really wish that stuff like anxiety was more... commonly known about when i was a kid
bc now i have to figure out how to deal with this myself and i don't really have mentors to help me with it
i know its not really her fault (my mom's, or my dad's) that they weren't really equipped to help me with those things growing up but i can't help but feel a little... sad. bc there was so much more i could've done if i'd been given the proper tools to manage my anxiety, and then later my depression...
every so often she'll drop a bomb like that - where she knew i had x symptom or suspected y thing about me - but never did anything about it and i just.
have to take a deep mental breath. and not ask WHY.
its done, im all grown up. i gotta deal with it now. i love her, and my dad, they're wonderful parents and i'm lucky to have them
they just really shoulda gotten better parenting preparation. but they were 18 in the 90s and in tennessee. of course they didn't get good help. neither of their parents were good parents, either.